Dear (hopefully) future husband...

Dear (hopefully) future husband,

As I'm sitting here outside, enjoying the sunshine and cool fall breeze, and working on homework, I find myself wondering what it would be like if you were sitting next me. I wonder what your laugh sounds like and what your frustrated breaths sound like. I wonder how your face crinkles up when the sun is in your eyes and if your hands are calloused or smooth. I wonder what you smell like and what kind of shampoo you use.

When I find myself wondering and as I am pondering, I feel devastated. I'm devastated that you're either not here with me or Jesus hasn't made it clear yet to me who you are yet. I'm devastated that you're not here to point me back to Jesus when I'm struggling, to listen to me cry and tell me everything will be okay, and so much more. I'm devastated that I can't be those things for you. I wonder every single day if you feel the same way. 

Sweet man, I am praying for you. Sometimes I think I'm already head over heels in love with you but then I realize I'm just in love with the idea of you. When I feel broken that right now I'm only in love with the idea of you, I pray that God would heal my heart and give me strength to wait to be in love with you and help me fall deeper in love with Him. I pray that I would be a good friend, good girlfriend, good fiancé, good wife and companion for you. Right now, I can promise to be a good friend but I don't know what any of those other things would look like in my life. I can imagine but imagining the perfect scenario doesn't make it reality at all. 

I don't know if I'd be a good girlfriend, much less a good wife. That scares me. I've done this whole life thing by myself for so long that I don't know how to be all of those things. I want to be all that God has designed me to be but I have a tendency to get in the way of Jesus. One thing that I know for sure that is my constant, is that God will become everything in me that I don't think I can be. His power will be made perfect in my weakness. Remind me of that when I'm such a train wreck. 

So, dear (hopefully) future husband, I pray that Jesus has wrapped His precious arms around and is protecting you from anything that could hurt you. I pray that You can feel His spirit with you daily and that each day you fall deeper and deeper in love with Jesus. I pray that your heart is open to the molding of Jesus to be the man of God that He created you to be. I pray that you're happy and healthy. Selfishly, I pray that you miss me as much as I miss you.

I can't wait to see what God is going to do next in our lives and if you're not that next step, I can't wait to hear about what God has done in your life.

All my love,
Your (hopefully) future wife