Dear Future Husband,
For whatever reason, I feel the need to start off this letter with an apology. I'm sorry for the overwhelming amount of letters that consist of me complaining that you're not here and struggling with how much I miss you. I don't know why I'm sorry but I am.
I guess, maybe, I feel like I should be okay. I love Jesus. I shouldn't be struggling with singleness. I feel a lot of pressure to be either okay or in a relationship that is leading to marriage. There's really no in between.
And this letter is really no different.
I'm currently sitting in Creek Coffee with a loss for words and really ability to express how exactly I'm feeling right now. It's a mixture of emotions and it's really hard. I'm sitting in a coffee shop full of people I know and feel absolutely alone.
I still haven't heard from or seen him. I guess this is where it starts. I don't know what to do or where to go from here. I really want to be hopeful, I do, but I'm not so sure anymore. The fact hasn't changed that he's a good guy. He's a great guy and I still have so so much respect for him. I just wish I knew- does he like me or not? Does he want me or not?
With these questions comes a myriad of answers that I give myself- none of them really positive. No, He doesn't want me. I'm too ugly, I'm too fat, I'm too this, I'm too that-- even though none of this is really true. It's how I feel and it's what is going through my head. Then I think, "If this really amazing guy doesn't want me, then who ever will?"
Now that I say it "out loud" it sounds really stupid. In my head, though, it seems absolutely plausible and 100% truth. Fun stuff, man.
Honestly, I just miss you. There's friendships in my life right now that are really icky and really hard. It's work but it isn't work that I'm enjoying. I want to work through things with you. Is it weird that I'm looking forward to working out and communicating problems with you? I know it won't be easy (Lord knows it won't) but I know it'll be worth it.
I'm tired. I'm frustrated. I'm weary. I want you to be here with me right now. I want you more than I want coffee (and that's a lot, ).
I don't know what's next. That scares me. I know God is asking me to trust Him and asking me to just follow Him but right now, every single step hurts. I don't want to hurt. I don't want to ache.
But as much as I don't want to ache, I don't want to be apart from the Lord and His will. So, even though it hurts and its hard, I'll keep following Him. Following Him and hoping that eventually it will lead to meeting you, falling in love with you, standing at the altar with you, and watching you read these letters.
As long as it takes,